And, in a teen's eyes, that's not only unfair; it's humiliating.
Even apparently minor exchanges can trigger major reactions, making a parent feel that "everything I say is wrong! " are loaded with the implication, "You're not able to look after yourself." These questions would be easily tolerated if uttered by a concerned friend, but from a parent they pinch on a teen's own doubts.
This involves self-questioning and self-discovery and self-development across a range of issues, including gender, faith, intellect and relationship.
A sense of who we are is not a mere luxury; we need it to feel alive. A teen often looks upon peers as models: "I don't know who I am, but I know who he is, so I'll be like him," is the underlying thought.
Nor do raging hormones - an older style "explanation" - account for the apparently irrational moodiness of teens.
Though hormones play a role in human feelings, the real task of adolescence, and the real cause of turbulence, is the teen's own uncertainty about who he is, alongside his eager need to establish a sense of identity.
Many parents approach raising teenagers as an ordeal, believing they can only watch helplessly as their lovable children transform into unpredictable monsters.As their parent, it's up to you to set your family's core values and communicate them through your words and actions.That's being an authoritative parent, an approach that "helps children develop the skills they need to govern themselves in appropriate ways," Lerner says.Judith says that her once affectionate daughter is now, at 14, surly and guarded, with "porcupine-like spines that bristle whenever I get near her".Pat says that his 15-year-old son Greg "gives off hate rays the minute I step into the room. Sometimes I get furious, but mostly he manages to make me as unhappy as he seems to be." Recent discoveries that the human brain undergoes specific and dramatic development during adolescence (with the frontal lobes - which allow us to organize sequences of actions, think ahead and control impulses - bulking up in early adolescence before gradually shrinking back) offer new physiological "explanations" of teen behavior, particularly of their impulsiveness.If you put too much emphasis on obedience, you may be able to make your teen or tween fall into line -- but at what price?