We all have remorse-tailored monsters hiding in our closets. But there is still hard work to do — understanding, forgiving, crying, forgetting, maturing, resolving work — and there are some concrete ways that Christ enters into the conversation about sexual past in a dating relationship.Bring in an older compassionate couple in the church, maybe even with the same story, to protect both of you from sinning against one another in the ways we mentioned above. If your partner with a sexual past is already in the company of a church and has been walking in the light of a pastoral team, the resources probably exist there for help.Obsessions with your partner’s past likely signals that you have some work to do. Make your close, trusted, selective friend group the place to think openly in confidence, and make your relationship the place where you speak intentionally and thoughtfully.Talk with some sane, godly (confidential) friends your partner. Humble yourself and recognize that your partner with a sexual past may very well understand grace now far better than you do (Philippians 2:3). To stake our value in being the best at everything in a future spouse’s life is absurd.They are known, and they are trusted, and this is a great situation to come into (Philippians ).Bringing understanding mentors into the conversation doesn’t cause the relationship to lose control, but offers the potential of balanced, hope-filled, and biblical perspective and clarity.To linger in paranoid indulgences about one’s shortcomings will corrode your soul and your relationship from the inside out.
But the gospel offers real grace for the heart reeling that can happen from finding out about a boyfriend’s or girlfriend’s sexual past.
While the conversation can be difficult and awkward, it need not be had alone.
A wise married couple should remind a dating couple that .
What scares you is that you will come up short in your manhood or womanhood in marriage — that you will always be living in the shadow of your partner’s ex-partners — that your shortcomings and deficiencies will loom over you in the form of inexperience.
Remember this: meaningful sex isn’t primarily about a particular (1 Corinthians 7:4; Ephesians –32) — and only in the God-appointed context of the marriage covenant.
Obsession, because you want to let the past be the past, but only after your own morbidly detailed investigation — and because you stubbornly refuse to be rejected and overlooked for the purity which you’ve guarded so diligently.